We rejoined our wise and brave adventurers on the cliffs overlooking the river, plotting their ascent of the island tower.
Fair Verbot convinced the party to make skin boats and bladders out of the wyvern remains. Josephine, who had previously hated both boating and teleportation, now seemed enthusiastic to try any suggestion, and so we broke out our skinning knives and struck to. The party took note of centaur bones littering the cave.
While cleaning the wyvern entrails Elronnie noticed a lone crow suspiciously eyeing the party from the branches above. Bjorngina dispatched the beast with a single arrow through the wing. The punctured crow was quickly seized by the party. After some debate over the merits of blowing him out of the cannon, our adventurers instead lashed him to a ‘selfie stick’. Hammerzeit’s first. It was also noticed that the crow had only one eye – clearly an agent of Odin, or possibly Vordekai.
Later that night while the party slept, clumsy Roger Ales spilled his beer on his trousers, screaming out like a little girl and awakening everyone. As it turned out, a large and very cold semi-colon had coincidentally arrived on the scene, having tracked the party all the way from Restov. Fortunately for Elronnie, it ended up being the only monster in the borderlands unable to drop him in a single attack. While ineffectively throttling the wizard, the party bashed the ever-loving punctuation out of it much to the DM’s chagrin.
Subsequently, the party realized that maybe the crow-on-a-stick wasn’t such a great idea and went instead with plan A, victoriously blowing it out of the cannon. Through the cloud of feathers and smoke, a pained scream was heard coming from the island. There was much rejoicing.
Meanwhile, across the way, the party noticed a lone non-euclidian janitor appear on the far platform to mop up the dreadful mess they’d left the night before. Taking pity on the poor scrubber, our heroes decided to try and teleport him to his death, but failed woefully. Another stupid idea, poorly rolled.
Having tired of all this too-ing and fro-ing, the party then decided it was time to needlessly risk a TPK for THE LOVE OF SIGMAR!!!! Stepping onto the teleportation pad with their donkey, cart, magic box of holding, and any other improbable and unwieldy objects they could find, our heroes very nearly teleported themselves into the cliff face with additional shitty rolling, recovering luckily at the last second to somehow arrive safely on the far platform in a cloud of ozone. Huzzah’ing ensued.
On the platform the party encountered an enormous stone door. Our strongmen showed off their muscles by ineffectively pulling on its brass ring and lighting up some glowing runes, while Verbot gleefully pulled out his cannon to blast through.
At this point, the party inexplicably took a brief aside to imagine themselves as donkeys desperately trying to survive an adventure at the hands of idiots such as themselves. They then ducked behind said donkey for cover.
Eventually the party changed tack, sending Bjongina climbing to the top of the rock column, and right off the edge of the module. Through some quick improvisation on the part of the DM, we found rocks. Bjorngina then proceeded to climb down another face of the tower where he found a booby-trapped crypt, and the half-brained ranger-zombie from Varnhold named…. wait for it….. Willis.
Willis spilled his guts telling us he was the one who had awoken Vordekai because he’d been greedy to get his gold. He was the one who shop-lifted the bracelet of Bad Juju, and brought it back to Varnhold, which caused a fog to enter men’s minds and make them come to the crypt at Vordekai’s call. And a bunch of other woe-is-me self-flagellating drivel. For his pains Vordekai ate half his brain, made him undead, and stuck him in this crypt with a bunch of fools-gold, haha. He did however warn us usefully about the amphora, collapsing walls, and nasty bracelets inside.
Shortly thereafter, the party abandoned it’s door-bell-ditch on the front door and climbed around to the sandy side door, thus avoiding the welcoming committee. Herein our adventurers found the remains of Willis’ treasure and eventually some bloody footprints. These revealed themselves to be 2200 XP in cyclops zombies doing a poor job at hide-and-seek. The party rolled 5 6’s and killed both som-bitches in one round each, again, much to the DM’s chagrin.
In the next chamber, the barbarian spotted the Loch Ness Monster, otherwise known as the rapper Nellie. The party taunted it a second time before discovering that the ring of controlling Owl Bears also works on sea monsters. Nellie then took the adventurers on a 3GP deep sea ride, before turning ferrel and using Elronnie as a chew toy. Being a normal sized monster, he properly killed Elronnie in a single round. A lengthy discussion ensued on the differences between ‘Bandages’ vs ‘Bandage Ally’ while he bled out. Meanwhile Verbot blasted a hole in the ceiling with his cannon, re-killing Elronnie a second time just for certainty’s sake. At this point however the re-roll gods intervened, dropping a 6d6 stalagmite on Nellies head instead.
Faced with a water passage, the party should have used their bladders for air, or as some say ‘flasks’, but NOBODY THOUGHT OF IT.
On the other side, our heroes found a room filled with precious cyclopean amphora, followed by a hallway of man-sized cyclops statues ‘semi-looted’, and a room full of 16 more statues, in a similar state Absurdly, the party stepped back out of the room just as ye-old double portcullis and water trap sprung. Our quick witted barbarian shoved a story point under the first portcullis enabling our escape back to the preceding chamber. Meanwhile two zombie guards bob in the water doing battle with a river eel where we left them. Apparently zombies float.
At this point pie arrived, and our scribe’s retelling trailed off……