We rejoined our wise and brave adventurers on the cliffs overlooking
the river, plotting their ascent of the island tower.
Fair Verbot convinced the party to make skin boats and bladders out of
the wyvern remains. Josephine, who had previously hated both boating
and teleportation, now seemed enthusiastic to try any suggestion, and
so we broke out our skinning knives and struck to. The party took note
of centaur bones littering the cave.
While cleaning the wyvern entrails Elronnie noticed a lone crow
suspiciously eyeing the party from the branches above. Bjorngina
dispatched the beast with a single arrow through the wing. The
punctured crow was quickly seized by the party. After some debate over
the merits of blowing him out of the cannon, our adventurers instead
lashed him to a ‘selfie stick’. Hammerzeit’s first. It was also
noticed that the crow had only one eye – clearly an agent of Odin, or
Later that night while the party slept, clumsy Roger Ales spilled his
beer on his trousers, screaming out like a little girl and awakening
everyone. As it turned out, a large and very cold semi-colon had
coincidentally arrived on the scene, having tracked the party all the
way from Restov. Fortunately for Elronnie, it ended up being the only
monster in the borderlands unable to drop him in a single attack.
While ineffectively throttling the wizard, the party bashed the
ever-loving punctuation out of it much to the DM’s chagrin.
Subsequently, the party realized that maybe the crow-on-a-stick wasn’t
such a great idea and went instead with plan A, victoriously blowing
it out of the cannon. Through the cloud of feathers and smoke, a
pained scream was heard coming from the island. There was much
Meanwhile, across the way, the party noticed a lone non-euclidian
janitor appear on the far platform to mop up the dreadful mess they’d
left the night before. Taking pity on the poor scrubber, our heroes
decided to try and teleport him to his death, but failed woefully.
Another stupid idea, poorly rolled.
Having tired of all this too-ing and fro-ing, the party then decided
it was time to needlessly risk a TPK for THE LOVE OF SIGMAR!!!!
Stepping onto the teleportation pad with their donkey, cart, magic box
of holding, and any other improbable and unwieldy objects they could
find, our heroes very nearly teleported themselves into the cliff face
with additional shitty rolling, recovering luckily at the last second
to somehow arrive safely on the far platform in a cloud of ozone.
On the platform the party encountered an enormous stone door. Our
strongmen showed off their muscles by ineffectively pulling on its
brass ring and lighting up some glowing runes, while Verbot gleefully
pulled out his cannon to blast through.
At this point, the party inexplicably took a brief aside to imagine
themselves as donkeys desperately trying to survive an adventure at
the hands of idiots such as themselves. They then ducked behind said
donkey for cover.
Eventually the party changed tack, sending Bjongina climbing to the
top of the rock column, and right off the edge of the module. Through
some quick improvisation on the part of the DM, we found rocks.
Bjorngina then proceeded to climb down another face of the tower where
he found a booby-trapped crypt, and the half-brained ranger-zombie
from Varnhold named…. wait for it….. Willis.
Willis spilled his guts telling us he was the one who had awoken
Vordekai because he’d been greedy to get his gold. He was the one who
shop-lifted the bracelet of Bad Juju, and brought it back to Varnhold,
which caused a fog to enter men’s minds and make them come to the
crypt at Vordekai’s call. And a bunch of other woe-is-me
self-flagellating drivel. For his pains Vordekai ate half his brain,
made him undead, and stuck him in this crypt with a bunch of
fools-gold, haha. He did however warn us usefully about the amphora,
collapsing walls, and nasty bracelets inside.
Shortly thereafter, the party abandoned it’s door-bell-ditch on the
front door and climbed around to the sandy side door, thus avoiding
the welcoming committee. Herein our adventurers found the remains of
Willis’ treasure and eventually some bloody footprints. These revealed
themselves to be 2200 XP in cyclops zombies doing a poor job at
hide-and-seek. The party rolled 5 6’s and killed both som-bitches in
one round each, again, much to the DM’s chagrin.
In the next chamber, the barbarian spotted the Loch Ness Monster,
otherwise known as the rapper Nellie. The party taunted it a second
time before discovering that the ring of controlling Owl Bears also
works on sea monsters. Nellie then took the adventurers on a 3GP deep
sea ride, before turning ferrel and using Elronnie as a chew toy.
Being a normal sized monster, he properly killed Elronnie in a single
round. A lengthy discussion ensued on the differences between
‘Bandages’ vs ‘Bandage Ally’ while he bled out. Meanwhile Verbot
blasted a hole in the ceiling with his cannon, re-killing Elronnie a
second time just for certainty’s sake. At this point however the
re-roll gods intervened, dropping a 6d6 stalagmite on Nellies head
Faced with a water passage, the party should have used their bladders
for air, or as some say ‘flasks’, but NOBODY THOUGHT OF IT.
On the other side, our heroes found a room filled with precious
cyclopean amphora, followed by a hallway of man-sized cyclops statues
‘semi-looted’, and a room full of 16 more statues, in a similar state
Absurdly, the party stepped back out of the room just as ye-old double
portcullis and water trap sprung. Our quick witted barbarian shoved a
story point under the first portcullis enabling our escape back to the
preceding chamber. Meanwhile two zombie guards bob in the water doing
battle with a river eel where we left them. Apparently zombies float.
At this point pie arrived, and our scribe’s retelling trailed off……